ah the future~!

These days I've been working hard on my portfolio and just overall anxious about finding the right job. It's been a few weeks since graduation and I got to say, I knew I was going to be stressed, but I didn't know it would affect me this much...

I know that I need to have faith that He will provide, since He always has, but there's something in me that just keeps questioning and imagining the worst case scenario.

I think when you want something so bad--in my case, finally becoming financially independent and well, becoming an adult--it's scary to imagine it not happening anytime soon. I don't know why I think so negatively or why I tend to have such low confidence because I know I can do the work. I know I have what it takes to work professionally...but there's something inside of me that just pulls me down and says I can't. I guess it's just hard to imagine something I've always wanted for the longest time...

And now, I'm close to it. So close but feels so far. And that's what scares me. It's so close I can taste it, but having absolutely no control over where I'll end up takes a toll on me I guess...

Job hunting is one thing...a part of a bigger thought. Growing up. Being responsible. Managing money!!!! Now, that's something I'm definitely afraid of. It's all a part of growing up but I just feel overwhelmed I guess.

Questions run through my head all night. Questions like...Will I be able to stay here in New York for the next few years as I desire? Or Will I even find a job within the next 90 days so I don't violate my status here in the US? Will I make enough to continue living here in nyc without the help of my parents? (Probably not) So if not, where could I go? Will I ever meet anyone in the next few years? (Doubtful but still hopeful...)

I don't know what I would do without God. Honestly, how can someone be sane without having someone stable to lean on when nothing in life is stable. When nothing is secure or within your control. Voice of truth is a great song. This one's for me :)

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are