I am blessed, and more than anything, humbled by the love I receive from my friends and family, and ultimately my father in heaven, especially when I am so undeserving of it. Tonight is a good example.
Coming home at night to homemade halloween cupcakes with a note from my roomie and a mailed card from my sister in pittsburgh melted my heart. Although my love for both my sister--who is one of my closest and deepest figures in my life--and my roommate--who is one of many acquaintances in my life--are both immensely deficient, I still receive undeserving love. It is interesting how my lack of love across such a wide spectrum of relationships in my life does not get in the way of me receiving love. Thus, I am left humbled and without words.
When Virgil said "Love conquers all" or when Paul said "Love never fails," I think they simply but brilliantly captured this profound essence of LOVE that leaves me in awe. I can't help but believe that LOVE is declared as the greatest commandement because it is the essence of our being, made in the image of our God who is love. Love prevails, even against all odds because it is the why and how of our mere existence.
A Mother Teresa quote comes to mind:
"We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love."
I am filled with hope and comfort, knowing that I am a child of a God who is love. That I am in the palm of the hands of such a loving, beautiful maker who created me from love and for the purpose of love. And that no opposing forces whether it's Satan or the dark world I live in, or even my own sinful nature itself, can separate me from this invincible love. This gives me the strength to endure and persevere in the midst of hardships, weariness and hopelessness we inevitably feel time to time, living in this sinful world.
I want to end with sharing this song. Thanks to Julia Lee for sharing it with me first so I can share it with you :) The lyrics resonate in my heart. But just because you love me the way that you do, I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.
If you want me to...
Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Teaching me to love like jesus <3
I guess it's a worthy occasion to write on your blog when you believe you are going through a milestone in your life. Allow me to elaborate :) Let me start off with a little background on my relationship with my heavenly father.
As a Christian who was born into a church-going "Christian" family, God has been walking with me through 26 years of my life and I think He's always been trying to talk to me and guide me, but I've managed to ignore Him most of my life.
SO inevitably, He's watched me make mistakes, sometimes the same mistakes over and over again (even after repenting). Through all this disobedience and selfishness, He simply stood there beside me, comforting me even though I didn't deserve it at all. He was faithful.
I think I've definitely been spoiled in our relationship. Or in any relationship for that matter. I've always gotten what I wanted. And if I didn't want to do something, I didn't, without hesitation.
God is a patient God. At age 26, He is teaching me how to put Him first before me. His desires before mine. His will and plans before mine. He's teaching me to let go of the steering wheel and to trust that He knows what He's doing. That He knows what I NEED, not what I may necessarily want.
He's teaching me to love the unlovable. To love my enemies. Those who mistreat, curse, take advantage of and hate me. He's teaching me how to love the sinful world and its people the way He did and still does today.
After a few months of an emotional battle, being in darkness, filled with hatred, bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness, God gives me an answer. And so the conversation goes:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
Me: But WHY God? Why in the world would I love someone who doesn't deserve to be loved? Someone who curses me, intentionally tries to hurt me? Why should I love such a selfish, despicable human being?
God: Because I did. Because I loved such sinful people who cursed me, betrayed me, hated me, yourself included. Loved you so much I sent my only son to cover your sins. All of it. Is it because you deserved it? Because you were less of a despicable human being?
Me: ...
..........Well, less than him I'm sure!
God: Wrong. You are all the same in my eyes. All who need to be saved. There is no good in you without my saving grace and love. No good whatsoever.
Me: ...So you want me to stay? I don't want to God. I can't. You always give people as much as they can handle and I've reached it. Trust me.
God: Why don't you trust me? Through staying, I will teach you how to love those who don't deserve it, and through this, I will show you more of what Jesus experienced. SO you can get a better understanding of your Lord and the depth and breadth of the cross.
Me: ...Is this really what you want God? Doing something that seems impossible for me at this moment, risking my happiness and well-being? I'm too weak and weary.
God: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore, boast all the more gladly of your weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon you. For the sake of Christ, then, be content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when you are weak, then you are strong.
Julia, I am walking with you, holding your hand. I know you can't do it alone and that it seems impossible. That's why I'm going with you.
Me: I really hope so. Because all this will be pointless if you're not there and if I'm trying to do it alone. It'll just be pure torture because I know without a doubt I will fail. So then God, what if I'm just over-prophesying? When we both know I have little faith as of now.
God: I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me. I think I've given you enough for you to discern, to follow me and obey me.
Me: ...God I don't want to, I'll be honest. Nothing in my flesh wants to do something so selfless. I really want to ignore all this and do what I feel most comfortable with, but I know, because you've told us, that living a life as your servant is not going to be comfortable to say the least. I'm going to back out when I find the slightest opportunity, so please help me to remain faithful. Keep me grounded in you Lord. You win. I'll obey. For the first time.
This is to sum up our conversations in the span of several days when I asked God to clearly give me an answer as to whether to quit my job or not. Because for various reasons, I hated my boss. And he hated me.
Through these conversations with God, I cried, I prayed, I threw hissy fits like a complete child. Through all this, he answered my prayers. Even though I didn't have complete faith that he would.
But it's ok. I've learned you don't need to have complete faith for God to work in your life. Because He is completely faithful. He is the everlasting God who does not faint and never grows weary. He listens to His childrens' cries and His love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. His love never fails.
Thank you Lord.
As a Christian who was born into a church-going "Christian" family, God has been walking with me through 26 years of my life and I think He's always been trying to talk to me and guide me, but I've managed to ignore Him most of my life.
SO inevitably, He's watched me make mistakes, sometimes the same mistakes over and over again (even after repenting). Through all this disobedience and selfishness, He simply stood there beside me, comforting me even though I didn't deserve it at all. He was faithful.
I think I've definitely been spoiled in our relationship. Or in any relationship for that matter. I've always gotten what I wanted. And if I didn't want to do something, I didn't, without hesitation.
God is a patient God. At age 26, He is teaching me how to put Him first before me. His desires before mine. His will and plans before mine. He's teaching me to let go of the steering wheel and to trust that He knows what He's doing. That He knows what I NEED, not what I may necessarily want.
He's teaching me to love the unlovable. To love my enemies. Those who mistreat, curse, take advantage of and hate me. He's teaching me how to love the sinful world and its people the way He did and still does today.
After a few months of an emotional battle, being in darkness, filled with hatred, bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness, God gives me an answer. And so the conversation goes:
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
Me: But WHY God? Why in the world would I love someone who doesn't deserve to be loved? Someone who curses me, intentionally tries to hurt me? Why should I love such a selfish, despicable human being?
God: Because I did. Because I loved such sinful people who cursed me, betrayed me, hated me, yourself included. Loved you so much I sent my only son to cover your sins. All of it. Is it because you deserved it? Because you were less of a despicable human being?
Me: ...
..........Well, less than him I'm sure!
God: Wrong. You are all the same in my eyes. All who need to be saved. There is no good in you without my saving grace and love. No good whatsoever.
Me: ...So you want me to stay? I don't want to God. I can't. You always give people as much as they can handle and I've reached it. Trust me.
God: Why don't you trust me? Through staying, I will teach you how to love those who don't deserve it, and through this, I will show you more of what Jesus experienced. SO you can get a better understanding of your Lord and the depth and breadth of the cross.
Me: ...Is this really what you want God? Doing something that seems impossible for me at this moment, risking my happiness and well-being? I'm too weak and weary.
God: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore, boast all the more gladly of your weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon you. For the sake of Christ, then, be content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when you are weak, then you are strong.
Julia, I am walking with you, holding your hand. I know you can't do it alone and that it seems impossible. That's why I'm going with you.
Me: I really hope so. Because all this will be pointless if you're not there and if I'm trying to do it alone. It'll just be pure torture because I know without a doubt I will fail. So then God, what if I'm just over-prophesying? When we both know I have little faith as of now.
God: I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me. I think I've given you enough for you to discern, to follow me and obey me.
Me: ...God I don't want to, I'll be honest. Nothing in my flesh wants to do something so selfless. I really want to ignore all this and do what I feel most comfortable with, but I know, because you've told us, that living a life as your servant is not going to be comfortable to say the least. I'm going to back out when I find the slightest opportunity, so please help me to remain faithful. Keep me grounded in you Lord. You win. I'll obey. For the first time.
This is to sum up our conversations in the span of several days when I asked God to clearly give me an answer as to whether to quit my job or not. Because for various reasons, I hated my boss. And he hated me.
Through these conversations with God, I cried, I prayed, I threw hissy fits like a complete child. Through all this, he answered my prayers. Even though I didn't have complete faith that he would.
But it's ok. I've learned you don't need to have complete faith for God to work in your life. Because He is completely faithful. He is the everlasting God who does not faint and never grows weary. He listens to His childrens' cries and His love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. His love never fails.
Thank you Lord.
Monday, July 27, 2009
6 months ago...
wow, so it seems like my last post was 6 months ago...
so much has changed since then and it's funny to see how every decision you make takes part in carving your path. nothing can be taken lightly. lesson learned.
6 months of working, i've learned a lot. above all, i've learned that i am allocating way too much time at work, where my ultimate passion is not being fulfilled. so where to go from here?
lord, i pray for your wisdom, your discernment, your heart.
yet, not my will, but yours be done.
amen.
so much has changed since then and it's funny to see how every decision you make takes part in carving your path. nothing can be taken lightly. lesson learned.
6 months of working, i've learned a lot. above all, i've learned that i am allocating way too much time at work, where my ultimate passion is not being fulfilled. so where to go from here?
lord, i pray for your wisdom, your discernment, your heart.
yet, not my will, but yours be done.
amen.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
What's the temperature of your heart?
Inspired by Julia Lee's email to the sisters, I decided to pose this question to us all, myself included. Let's examine our love life with the Lord and take our temperatures. Are we hot--passionately pressing on, pursuing, growing or are we warm--still going, doing the bare minimum to get by? or are we cold--not together, not pretending, distant?)
This next part is taken directly from what Julia sent out, written by a woman named Melody Green (whose husband died in a plane crash when they were in their late 20s. He was a huge worship minister in the US at the time).
We already know our temperature matters to Jesus. He was clear about it. He wants us to be passionate, fiery hot for Him. To genuinely love Him back. The polar opposites are the cold...those who blatantly reject God's ways, and therefore His love. And the lukewarm? Well, they make Him utterly sick enough to puke. Jesus knows exactly what to do with the hot and the cold. However the lukewarm, well, they turn His stomach and I imagine cause Him pain everyday. Think about being married to someone and just pouring out your life for them, but they take you for granted, stop trying to know your heart, and could care less about how they make you feel. Painful.
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (Rev. 3:15-16 NIV) I think this was an incredibly painful statement for God to make to those He loves. But on the day each of us stand before Him. our temperature will be apparent. However, we never need to fall into the lukewarm category. We don't have to hurt God by being so near, yet so far away.
As I wrote back to the sisters, I completely get this. Imagine being in a relationship and that guy or girl always goes back and forth, saying they love you one day and then taking it back the next day or not calling you for weeks. Or going back and forth between you and another girl/guy? How painful would that be, especially if you LOVE that person. You would rather them leave you altogether and not put you through this. Ideally, you'd want them to single-heartedly be devoted to you.
Being lukewarm is very unattractive and useless if you think about it. One foot in the world, one in His kingdom. I get it, you know? I even hate drinking tepid water. And just in general, I'm usually a very hot or cold, all or nothing type of person. So I get it. And I do love Him and desire more than anything for our relationship to grow. BUT THEN, why in the world is it SO hard to actually be HOT for the Lord?
I've been struggling a lot these days, living a life that's certainly not worthy of His calling, not communicating with Him, not listening to Him, just living my life, working hard at work, going out on the weekends doing mindless things...I haven't given Him the time of day, really.
Maybe it's because I've fallen and I feel like what's the point, I'm already down. You know that feeling? Or the discouragement of what's the point when you're going to fail again as quickly as the next day?
In any case, I know one thing is for sure. I desperately want to go back to Him and seek Him and love Him and be loved by Him. I need to stop living this back and forth, lukewarm life and start living a passionate life for Him.
I don't know about you guys, but my heart is really breaking. I've hurt Him for way too long. And I know through all of it, He still graciously loves me, but really, am I going to keep hurting Him like this? I really don't want to...
Our Lord is constantly on the go, working, moving, changing, building, and I want to be a part of it. Stop focusing on my menial life--my daily worries and stress and pain-- and be a part of a bigger picture. Please pray for me.
This next part is taken directly from what Julia sent out, written by a woman named Melody Green (whose husband died in a plane crash when they were in their late 20s. He was a huge worship minister in the US at the time).
We already know our temperature matters to Jesus. He was clear about it. He wants us to be passionate, fiery hot for Him. To genuinely love Him back. The polar opposites are the cold...those who blatantly reject God's ways, and therefore His love. And the lukewarm? Well, they make Him utterly sick enough to puke. Jesus knows exactly what to do with the hot and the cold. However the lukewarm, well, they turn His stomach and I imagine cause Him pain everyday. Think about being married to someone and just pouring out your life for them, but they take you for granted, stop trying to know your heart, and could care less about how they make you feel. Painful.
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (Rev. 3:15-16 NIV) I think this was an incredibly painful statement for God to make to those He loves. But on the day each of us stand before Him. our temperature will be apparent. However, we never need to fall into the lukewarm category. We don't have to hurt God by being so near, yet so far away.
As I wrote back to the sisters, I completely get this. Imagine being in a relationship and that guy or girl always goes back and forth, saying they love you one day and then taking it back the next day or not calling you for weeks. Or going back and forth between you and another girl/guy? How painful would that be, especially if you LOVE that person. You would rather them leave you altogether and not put you through this. Ideally, you'd want them to single-heartedly be devoted to you.
Being lukewarm is very unattractive and useless if you think about it. One foot in the world, one in His kingdom. I get it, you know? I even hate drinking tepid water. And just in general, I'm usually a very hot or cold, all or nothing type of person. So I get it. And I do love Him and desire more than anything for our relationship to grow. BUT THEN, why in the world is it SO hard to actually be HOT for the Lord?
I've been struggling a lot these days, living a life that's certainly not worthy of His calling, not communicating with Him, not listening to Him, just living my life, working hard at work, going out on the weekends doing mindless things...I haven't given Him the time of day, really.
Maybe it's because I've fallen and I feel like what's the point, I'm already down. You know that feeling? Or the discouragement of what's the point when you're going to fail again as quickly as the next day?
In any case, I know one thing is for sure. I desperately want to go back to Him and seek Him and love Him and be loved by Him. I need to stop living this back and forth, lukewarm life and start living a passionate life for Him.
I don't know about you guys, but my heart is really breaking. I've hurt Him for way too long. And I know through all of it, He still graciously loves me, but really, am I going to keep hurting Him like this? I really don't want to...
Our Lord is constantly on the go, working, moving, changing, building, and I want to be a part of it. Stop focusing on my menial life--my daily worries and stress and pain-- and be a part of a bigger picture. Please pray for me.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
V Day <3
Valentine's Day. A day designated to celebrate LOVE. Especially love in the terms of romance, or as C.S. Lewis explains in The Four Loves, Eros. For those who are unfamiliar with this concept, C.S. Lewis basically divides love into four categories, based in part on the four Greek words for love: storge (affection), philia (friendship), eros (erotic love), and charity (God's love).
I saw so many roses and chocolates this weekend. I felt a couple things that may or may not contradict each other. One, I was happy that people had someone to give these gifts to. I think it's always heartwarming to see people having someone to go to, give gifts to, to turn to, to love and appreciate. We are all creatures who crave to love and be loved. So it is in a sense a very natural thing and I think that's why I like seeing its presence.
Two, I was wondering how much money the flower and chocolate and greeting card industry must be making off of this one day. I have 3 roommates currently and all of them are in serious relationships. Our living room currently looks like Saint Valentine just threw up in it. Seriously. Why don't they keep the roses and chocolates in their rooms? There's a pink balloon too, but that's not from a boyfriend. In any case, it's hilarious.
I'm not bitter or anything (I think haha), but I just find it sort of funny when everyone's doing the same thing. What happened to originality? Or maybe it's the fact that most people are missing the real point of the day--practicing love and courtship and writing personal handwritten love notes for one another in a more private, sacred manner, and not about buying chocolates and flowers and showing it off to the world and then calling it a day. Ok, so maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart despite all the stuff I went through. But it just doesn't seem real, in a way.
I asked couple of my friends today if they know what love is--in the terms of eros that is. And I think it's interesting to hear people's answers. What about you? Could you say you experienced love? If so, how did it change you?
I think I can say that I have. How did it change me? I learned a lot about myself, my weaknesses and strengths. I also learned for the first time what sacrifice even meant. I also learned what to do and more importantly, what not to do in my next relationship. And last but definitely not least, I learned how to appreciate people. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I can now say I agree. Not simply because I have irreplaceable memories I can hold onto, but because I gained so much insight through it. Without losing someone, you just simply don't know how to appreciate someone when they do come along. You always take them for granted when they're there and you also dangerously assume that they will always be there.
I think I will always have hope. Because to be honest, a world without love, all four kinds, is depriving and simply meaningless. And I'm the type of person that needs meaning in life. Otherwise, what's the point?
Monday, February 9, 2009
I am ENFP--The Inspirers
You are:
- very expressed extravert
- moderately expressed intuitive personality
- distinctively expressed feeling personality
- slightly expressed perceiving personality
Idealist Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)
Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.
Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.
Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.
Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions
FURTHER DESCRIPTION:
ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.
ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.
ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.
Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.
FURTHER DESCRIPTION in regards to ROMANCE: Idealist women tend to be very romantic. They love to give and receive tokens of affection, such as an original poem, a hand carved box, or an item which reminds them of some shared experience. Men often appreciate their compassion and empathy along with their belief in others. When dating, they hope they'll get to know each other through deep conversation.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Clock is Ticking...
Ah~! There's nothing better than waking up to a phone call, asking you for an interview. haha j/k (I actually really enjoy waking up to music. I think it's the best feeling in the world. Like a song from the radio that you love, or a song you've never heard but hear for the first time as you wake up. Honestly amazing! What about you? What makes you feel like you're floating on clouds in the morning?)
I am quite happy that I got a call this morning from this particular company b/c I can see myself growing in it, so it is exciting, to say the least. I really hope I do get it, but who knows with all the competition. Bleh. The interview is on Thursday. Prayers please :) Let's hope they don't get turned off by my citizenship (fingers crossed).
Anyway, today I am trekking out to Brooklyn to go see if I can freelance for this medical supply company. Let's hope I don't get lost. Although it does sound promising...
As of yesterday, my OPT has officially started. OPT stands for Optional Practical Training. I said "Optical" yesterday haha sorry, my bad. It gives international students a year worth of work authorization in the United States. But they need you to find a job within 90 days of its activation date to not violate the status, which was Feb. 2nd for me. So the countdown begins. Sigh.
I hate this being on the clock deal. It's so stressful you know? I feel like I can't relax or even enjoy myself. And recently, maybe a few months ago, I started feeling the pressure of being a girl as well. I always thought I could just focus on my career and not worry about marriage until I'm 30. Honestly, but people around me are asking if I want children and I say OF COURSE I do, so then they say, well, you should at least have a baby by then, which doesn't give me much time does it now???? *phew*
It's unfair. I hate feeling pressured. Why can't I just take my time...? Sigh. I'm sighing a lot in this post huh? I'm telling you I wish I could just break all the clocks in this world. hehe I'm kidding. Kinda.
I'm sorry this post was filled with angst and complaints. But there was a little bit of excitement, and that was what I was REALLY trying to share ;)
Bye for now...
I am quite happy that I got a call this morning from this particular company b/c I can see myself growing in it, so it is exciting, to say the least. I really hope I do get it, but who knows with all the competition. Bleh. The interview is on Thursday. Prayers please :) Let's hope they don't get turned off by my citizenship (fingers crossed).
Anyway, today I am trekking out to Brooklyn to go see if I can freelance for this medical supply company. Let's hope I don't get lost. Although it does sound promising...
As of yesterday, my OPT has officially started. OPT stands for Optional Practical Training. I said "Optical" yesterday haha sorry, my bad. It gives international students a year worth of work authorization in the United States. But they need you to find a job within 90 days of its activation date to not violate the status, which was Feb. 2nd for me. So the countdown begins. Sigh.
I hate this being on the clock deal. It's so stressful you know? I feel like I can't relax or even enjoy myself. And recently, maybe a few months ago, I started feeling the pressure of being a girl as well. I always thought I could just focus on my career and not worry about marriage until I'm 30. Honestly, but people around me are asking if I want children and I say OF COURSE I do, so then they say, well, you should at least have a baby by then, which doesn't give me much time does it now???? *phew*
It's unfair. I hate feeling pressured. Why can't I just take my time...? Sigh. I'm sighing a lot in this post huh? I'm telling you I wish I could just break all the clocks in this world. hehe I'm kidding. Kinda.
I'm sorry this post was filled with angst and complaints. But there was a little bit of excitement, and that was what I was REALLY trying to share ;)
Bye for now...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
On strike tomorrow!
3 posts in a row is it? I think I should get some sort of reward? A reward for consistency ;) j/k I think I'm speaking too soon to be honest haha.
I want to thank those who are reading my posts though. I know they are VERY long, but sometimes I can't stop. But I will try to make them shorter. It's encouraging to see that people care to listen. So thank yoooooou, yes you :)
So, I think I've hit a point where I'm just worn out you know? From this whole job hunting thing. I know most, if not all, have been through this at one point in their lives. But for those who know me, I'm pretty intense when it comes to working for what I want. One of my classmates recently told me that her first impression of me when she saw me at Parsons was that I was feisty. haha
Well, so I've been working quite hard trying to get a job you know? But I feel so helpless like a hamster on a hamster wheel. It's very discouraging and a hit to the ego. My patience is being tested on so many levels as well. Anyway, weeks of this is just too tiring, especially at my intensity.
SO, I'm excited for tomorrow because I decided to not do anything. Yea, nothing!
No resume, no cover letter, no mediabistro, creativehotlist! None of it!
And instead...go on a date with Sandybeaches. Have brunch and go to MoMA.
You have no idea how excited I am for this haha. It's been awhile since I could wake up and have somewhere to go, albeit it's not a job. But feeling like you are needed somewhere feels good (not saying that Sandy needs me, but you get the point). So thanks Sandy for the date to come <3
And happy 25th!! I pray this 25th year will be filled with so many blessings, including an awesome, fulfilling career, incredible spiritual growth, and an amazing man, just for you :) And hopefully, you'll stay here in NYC.
That's it for now :)
I want to thank those who are reading my posts though. I know they are VERY long, but sometimes I can't stop. But I will try to make them shorter. It's encouraging to see that people care to listen. So thank yoooooou, yes you :)
So, I think I've hit a point where I'm just worn out you know? From this whole job hunting thing. I know most, if not all, have been through this at one point in their lives. But for those who know me, I'm pretty intense when it comes to working for what I want. One of my classmates recently told me that her first impression of me when she saw me at Parsons was that I was feisty. haha
Well, so I've been working quite hard trying to get a job you know? But I feel so helpless like a hamster on a hamster wheel. It's very discouraging and a hit to the ego. My patience is being tested on so many levels as well. Anyway, weeks of this is just too tiring, especially at my intensity.
SO, I'm excited for tomorrow because I decided to not do anything. Yea, nothing!
No resume, no cover letter, no mediabistro, creativehotlist! None of it!
And instead...go on a date with Sandybeaches. Have brunch and go to MoMA.
You have no idea how excited I am for this haha. It's been awhile since I could wake up and have somewhere to go, albeit it's not a job. But feeling like you are needed somewhere feels good (not saying that Sandy needs me, but you get the point). So thanks Sandy for the date to come <3
And happy 25th!! I pray this 25th year will be filled with so many blessings, including an awesome, fulfilling career, incredible spiritual growth, and an amazing man, just for you :) And hopefully, you'll stay here in NYC.
That's it for now :)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What really matters.
Relationships are hard. And that's an understatement.
It's hard to find people we click with, people we trust, people we understand, people we share similar values and vision with, people we agree with, people we find attractive, people we can relate to, people we like. You can search this whole world, if you had the time and money that is, and I bet that you wouldn't find many.
No wonder people try to search for friends by any means, like on TV like Paris Hilton or Brody Jenner. j/k. Well that's what they say. Who knows. (I am a victim of Bromance. There. I said it. I have many guilty mtv pleasures).
Why do you think that is? Why do you think God made us all so different and so unique? To challenge us perhaps? It only makes sense that it's because He wants us to learn so many things, shape us to be round dynamic characters, sharpen us to be wise, experienced, and to prepare us to be mature enough to meet with Him one day. To ultimately have a close relationship with Him?
We're so distant from Him. So far. So sinful. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get there. Never be able to touch His hands and see Him. And it's scary. But I find myself persevering, pressing on, hoping to one day, just one day meet this friend, this best friend, this father, this teacher, this lover that my soul has longed for ever since I was born.
So where am I going with all this about friendship and relationship? I think I'm learning that I need to do something that's two-fold. One, I need to be ready to open up to those I least expect to be my friends, those I don't click with, those I can't relate with, those I don't like even and invite them into my life. You know that verse in the bible, when they say even pagans are good to those they like?
"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:46-48)
We ALL have something to offer, something to teach one another through our unique life experiences, no matter how old, what religion, what background. It's our responsibility to discern what that is, and to reveal this and teach this to one another. To better our characters. To grow.
SO PLEASE, spread your wisdom y'all, share your experiences, how you grew from trials. I believe we're not suppose to all go through the same things, if we have one another to learn from. We can learn from others' mistakes. And blessed are those who do. I know I wasn't one. I was one of those, I have to go through it myself type of person. Sigh.
And the second part I am learning is to not expect people to be a certain way, either like you, or like your friends, or whoever you like and respect. Because everyone's different right? Different for a divine reason.
You can wait all day, all your lifetime even, for that person who you envision to be "the one," but I think you'll be waiting a long time, if not forever. I don't think it happens, quite rare if it actually does, I don't know, if we end up with someone who we envisioned or expected. How great would that be? haha
Funny thing is that's what I've been doing. Still doing. Expecting this perfect guy. Perfect looks, perfect personality, perfect humor, perfect job, perfect family, perfect love for me, perfect faith. Perfect in my own standards that is, so it's certain things I'm looking for. To make it worse, those certain standards are relative to someone I once knew and loved. But there was only one of him. And that was that. I took what I could from it, so did he. We learned what we could through each other, and now it's time to let go and move on.
My friend sent me this clip on youtube (Tyler Perry's Madea) to cheer me up and it's funny but a lot of I find to be true. If you want to watch it, go check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF_10F7eYRE
In it it says that some people come for a lifetime, and some for a season. And you have to know which is which. And you'll always mess up if you mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. They're suppose to teach you one thing and leave. People don't know this and fall in love and then wonder why they have no peace.
I like this part, I'll try to quote it for those who won't watch it:
"I put everyone who comes into my life into a category of a tree.
Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they fly over there. They're unstable. The season changes, they weather and die. And that's ok. Most people are like this. They're just there to take from the tree, to take and give shade every now and then. It's all they can do.
Some people are like a branch on a tree. You have to be careful with a branch, because they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and really strong, but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.
But if you find two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed because those are the type of people who are going nowhere. A tree can have a hundred million branches but only a few roots down at the bottom is what you need to make sure it gets what it needs. When you get your roots, hold onto them, but the rest of them, let it go. LET THEM GO."
Oh gosh. Letting go. That's a topic in and of itself for another blog that I won't get into it now. But going back to expecting things from people who are already in your life or who will come into your life is just nonsense I am beginning to learn. And going back to what I look for in guys. Nonsense again. I think slowly God is showing me what really matters. In all areas of my life. When we start to focus on all the itty bitty things, we miss the big picture. And I think He's trying to tell me that what I think I want, is not what I need. But what I need and what matters is someone who will love me more than anyone else can on this earth. That's what matters most. Someone who can love me the right way, the way I need and deserve to be loved.
And going along the same lines of what I wrote yesterday, don't assume that you know yourself 100%. There are so many things you have yet to learn about who you are and what matters to you. Like my friend put it, don't box yourself. And in that way, I don't want to box myself in thinking I am only compatible with certain types of people--friends or more. That I will only be happy with this certain career or this certain guy. What do I know really? Everyday is a learning experience of who I am. And I can only pray that God will graciously reveal it to me because I know He knows who I am, what I need, and what brings me joy.
And so I end with a song. See a pattern? ;)
Till the day I see you, I want to grow to prepare for this union.
For the relationship that matters most.
I Can Only Imagine
MercyMe
http://www.ilike.com/artist/MercyMe/track/I+Can+Only+Imagine
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21
It's hard to find people we click with, people we trust, people we understand, people we share similar values and vision with, people we agree with, people we find attractive, people we can relate to, people we like. You can search this whole world, if you had the time and money that is, and I bet that you wouldn't find many.
No wonder people try to search for friends by any means, like on TV like Paris Hilton or Brody Jenner. j/k. Well that's what they say. Who knows. (I am a victim of Bromance. There. I said it. I have many guilty mtv pleasures).
Why do you think that is? Why do you think God made us all so different and so unique? To challenge us perhaps? It only makes sense that it's because He wants us to learn so many things, shape us to be round dynamic characters, sharpen us to be wise, experienced, and to prepare us to be mature enough to meet with Him one day. To ultimately have a close relationship with Him?
We're so distant from Him. So far. So sinful. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get there. Never be able to touch His hands and see Him. And it's scary. But I find myself persevering, pressing on, hoping to one day, just one day meet this friend, this best friend, this father, this teacher, this lover that my soul has longed for ever since I was born.
So where am I going with all this about friendship and relationship? I think I'm learning that I need to do something that's two-fold. One, I need to be ready to open up to those I least expect to be my friends, those I don't click with, those I can't relate with, those I don't like even and invite them into my life. You know that verse in the bible, when they say even pagans are good to those they like?
"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:46-48)
We ALL have something to offer, something to teach one another through our unique life experiences, no matter how old, what religion, what background. It's our responsibility to discern what that is, and to reveal this and teach this to one another. To better our characters. To grow.
SO PLEASE, spread your wisdom y'all, share your experiences, how you grew from trials. I believe we're not suppose to all go through the same things, if we have one another to learn from. We can learn from others' mistakes. And blessed are those who do. I know I wasn't one. I was one of those, I have to go through it myself type of person. Sigh.
And the second part I am learning is to not expect people to be a certain way, either like you, or like your friends, or whoever you like and respect. Because everyone's different right? Different for a divine reason.
You can wait all day, all your lifetime even, for that person who you envision to be "the one," but I think you'll be waiting a long time, if not forever. I don't think it happens, quite rare if it actually does, I don't know, if we end up with someone who we envisioned or expected. How great would that be? haha
Funny thing is that's what I've been doing. Still doing. Expecting this perfect guy. Perfect looks, perfect personality, perfect humor, perfect job, perfect family, perfect love for me, perfect faith. Perfect in my own standards that is, so it's certain things I'm looking for. To make it worse, those certain standards are relative to someone I once knew and loved. But there was only one of him. And that was that. I took what I could from it, so did he. We learned what we could through each other, and now it's time to let go and move on.
My friend sent me this clip on youtube (Tyler Perry's Madea) to cheer me up and it's funny but a lot of I find to be true. If you want to watch it, go check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF_10F7eYRE
In it it says that some people come for a lifetime, and some for a season. And you have to know which is which. And you'll always mess up if you mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. They're suppose to teach you one thing and leave. People don't know this and fall in love and then wonder why they have no peace.
I like this part, I'll try to quote it for those who won't watch it:
"I put everyone who comes into my life into a category of a tree.
Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they fly over there. They're unstable. The season changes, they weather and die. And that's ok. Most people are like this. They're just there to take from the tree, to take and give shade every now and then. It's all they can do.
Some people are like a branch on a tree. You have to be careful with a branch, because they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and really strong, but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.
But if you find two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed because those are the type of people who are going nowhere. A tree can have a hundred million branches but only a few roots down at the bottom is what you need to make sure it gets what it needs. When you get your roots, hold onto them, but the rest of them, let it go. LET THEM GO."
Oh gosh. Letting go. That's a topic in and of itself for another blog that I won't get into it now. But going back to expecting things from people who are already in your life or who will come into your life is just nonsense I am beginning to learn. And going back to what I look for in guys. Nonsense again. I think slowly God is showing me what really matters. In all areas of my life. When we start to focus on all the itty bitty things, we miss the big picture. And I think He's trying to tell me that what I think I want, is not what I need. But what I need and what matters is someone who will love me more than anyone else can on this earth. That's what matters most. Someone who can love me the right way, the way I need and deserve to be loved.
And going along the same lines of what I wrote yesterday, don't assume that you know yourself 100%. There are so many things you have yet to learn about who you are and what matters to you. Like my friend put it, don't box yourself. And in that way, I don't want to box myself in thinking I am only compatible with certain types of people--friends or more. That I will only be happy with this certain career or this certain guy. What do I know really? Everyday is a learning experience of who I am. And I can only pray that God will graciously reveal it to me because I know He knows who I am, what I need, and what brings me joy.
And so I end with a song. See a pattern? ;)
Till the day I see you, I want to grow to prepare for this union.
For the relationship that matters most.
I Can Only Imagine
MercyMe
http://www.ilike.com/artist/MercyMe/track/I+Can+Only+Imagine
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21
Nothing can separate His love for us.
Every day is full of surprises. Whether it's surprises about who others are, or who you are. And this mystery in not knowing what could happen today or tomorrow is something I am in awe of and quite frankly, scared of.
I've learned something this past weekend. To never be so sure and full of yourself. To humble yourself in knowing that YOU ARE HUMAN. Christian, Atheist, Gay, Straight, you're no better than anyone else. Why? Because we are all human and we ALL fall short of the Lord and we need His saving grace more than we can even fathom. And so I see how much of God I need daily. How helpless I am without him. How any good in me is because of Him.
Now, I'm not going to go into detail and I apologize for being vague to those who are reading this because more than being worried of being judged, I don't think it's necessary. But I will say this. I will take the most out of any situation because of one reason and that reason alone. I know that whatever I do or did, whatever mess I'm in, He loves me through all of it. And NOTHING, absolutely nothing will take that away from me.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
I thought it was getting better, but I guess I was just throwing everything under a rug. Surpressing my hurt. I didn't give enough time to say, "I hate you for hurting me so much" and "Enough is enough. 5 years is enough for you to take hold of my heart. It's time to give it to God 100% because He is the only one who deserves it" and "It's time I love the Lord my God with all my heart and quite frankly, love myself."
My friend said that we're all human, so we're always a work in progress. So, really all we can ask for is to learn and grow from it. So, it's up to me to take what I need to from any situation, no matter how big, how discouraging, how unbelievable, and learn from it. I couldn't agree more.
Lord, you truly are the only healer in this world. Without your amazing grace and love, I wouldn't have the strength to love myself or others. And I can't imagine a world without love. You teach me through anything, through my biggest mistakes even, how much you love me. Who does that? Only you. Even though I break your heart continually, you give me strength, you wash away my fears and hopelessness, you not only love me the same, you seek after me to show me this, even though I don't deserve it at all...
Thank you.
I love you.
I want to love you more.
Help me Lord to love you the way you love me.
And help me to love me the way you love me.
He knows my name
By Geoff Moore
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He’ll never leave me
No matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
I've learned something this past weekend. To never be so sure and full of yourself. To humble yourself in knowing that YOU ARE HUMAN. Christian, Atheist, Gay, Straight, you're no better than anyone else. Why? Because we are all human and we ALL fall short of the Lord and we need His saving grace more than we can even fathom. And so I see how much of God I need daily. How helpless I am without him. How any good in me is because of Him.
Now, I'm not going to go into detail and I apologize for being vague to those who are reading this because more than being worried of being judged, I don't think it's necessary. But I will say this. I will take the most out of any situation because of one reason and that reason alone. I know that whatever I do or did, whatever mess I'm in, He loves me through all of it. And NOTHING, absolutely nothing will take that away from me.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:28-39
I also learned how hurt I still was because of someone who's taken a great hold of my life. A good thing about trial, is that it gives light to what's really going on in our hearts. I guess that's why some people call it a "moment of truth." We're able to see our first reaction, our first thoughts, where our heart is at. And sure enough, one of mine was in the exact same place, with that friend from my past. Thinking first about what he would think. Ridiculously using him as a scapegoat for why I am even in this current trial to begin with. How the root of all this is because I felt so unloved, abandoned and hurt by him. But that isn't what God is trying to show me through this. That isn't even the truth. He's showing me that I'm still not depending on Him to provide me with affection, love and self-worth.I thought it was getting better, but I guess I was just throwing everything under a rug. Surpressing my hurt. I didn't give enough time to say, "I hate you for hurting me so much" and "Enough is enough. 5 years is enough for you to take hold of my heart. It's time to give it to God 100% because He is the only one who deserves it" and "It's time I love the Lord my God with all my heart and quite frankly, love myself."
My friend said that we're all human, so we're always a work in progress. So, really all we can ask for is to learn and grow from it. So, it's up to me to take what I need to from any situation, no matter how big, how discouraging, how unbelievable, and learn from it. I couldn't agree more.
Lord, you truly are the only healer in this world. Without your amazing grace and love, I wouldn't have the strength to love myself or others. And I can't imagine a world without love. You teach me through anything, through my biggest mistakes even, how much you love me. Who does that? Only you. Even though I break your heart continually, you give me strength, you wash away my fears and hopelessness, you not only love me the same, you seek after me to show me this, even though I don't deserve it at all...
Thank you.
I love you.
I want to love you more.
Help me Lord to love you the way you love me.
And help me to love me the way you love me.
He knows my name
By Geoff Moore
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He’ll never leave me
No matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
Thursday, January 8, 2009
ah the future~!
These days I've been working hard on my portfolio and just overall anxious about finding the right job. It's been a few weeks since graduation and I got to say, I knew I was going to be stressed, but I didn't know it would affect me this much...
I know that I need to have faith that He will provide, since He always has, but there's something in me that just keeps questioning and imagining the worst case scenario.
I think when you want something so bad--in my case, finally becoming financially independent and well, becoming an adult--it's scary to imagine it not happening anytime soon. I don't know why I think so negatively or why I tend to have such low confidence because I know I can do the work. I know I have what it takes to work professionally...but there's something inside of me that just pulls me down and says I can't. I guess it's just hard to imagine something I've always wanted for the longest time...
And now, I'm close to it. So close but feels so far. And that's what scares me. It's so close I can taste it, but having absolutely no control over where I'll end up takes a toll on me I guess...
Job hunting is one thing...a part of a bigger thought. Growing up. Being responsible. Managing money!!!! Now, that's something I'm definitely afraid of. It's all a part of growing up but I just feel overwhelmed I guess.
Questions run through my head all night. Questions like...Will I be able to stay here in New York for the next few years as I desire? Or Will I even find a job within the next 90 days so I don't violate my status here in the US? Will I make enough to continue living here in nyc without the help of my parents? (Probably not) So if not, where could I go? Will I ever meet anyone in the next few years? (Doubtful but still hopeful...)
I don't know what I would do without God. Honestly, how can someone be sane without having someone stable to lean on when nothing in life is stable. When nothing is secure or within your control. Voice of truth is a great song. This one's for me :)
Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are
I know that I need to have faith that He will provide, since He always has, but there's something in me that just keeps questioning and imagining the worst case scenario.
I think when you want something so bad--in my case, finally becoming financially independent and well, becoming an adult--it's scary to imagine it not happening anytime soon. I don't know why I think so negatively or why I tend to have such low confidence because I know I can do the work. I know I have what it takes to work professionally...but there's something inside of me that just pulls me down and says I can't. I guess it's just hard to imagine something I've always wanted for the longest time...
And now, I'm close to it. So close but feels so far. And that's what scares me. It's so close I can taste it, but having absolutely no control over where I'll end up takes a toll on me I guess...
Job hunting is one thing...a part of a bigger thought. Growing up. Being responsible. Managing money!!!! Now, that's something I'm definitely afraid of. It's all a part of growing up but I just feel overwhelmed I guess.
Questions run through my head all night. Questions like...Will I be able to stay here in New York for the next few years as I desire? Or Will I even find a job within the next 90 days so I don't violate my status here in the US? Will I make enough to continue living here in nyc without the help of my parents? (Probably not) So if not, where could I go? Will I ever meet anyone in the next few years? (Doubtful but still hopeful...)
I don't know what I would do without God. Honestly, how can someone be sane without having someone stable to lean on when nothing in life is stable. When nothing is secure or within your control. Voice of truth is a great song. This one's for me :)
Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are
Sunday, January 4, 2009
2009.
Already 2009.
Geez. Time really flies.
As millions of others out there probably proclaimed as their new years resolution, I think I too may start blogging again this year...even if it's for me to look at years from now...
Went to listen to Tim Keller today at Redeemer and he spoke about marriage. I have SO many thoughts and reflections but since I have way too much to do tonight (working on my portfolio), I will briefly share my afterthoughts and how it affects me at the moment...I will sum up his sermon another day.
Today's thought: God is love.
He consistently shows me He loves me and not just me but those I love and every single human being on this earth. Everything I have gone through is more than worth it because I know that I have grown from it and I am that much closer to being the person He so longed and continues to long for me to be.
Lord, my prayer is this. May I be able to see you more, know you more, love you much more and truly make you my first love. May you seamlessly heal me and may I fall in love with you all over again, but this time, in a truer and sacrificially whole-hearted way.
And to a special person who was the biggest part of my life for 5 years, who butted heads with me in numerous ways, who broke my heart to pieces at countless times, who consumes my mind more often than any other person ever has, it is because of this relationship God had planned between you and I, that I am who I am today...
You have hurt me more than I could ever imagine, yes, but you have sharpened me immensely. And you have helped me to build character. I have learned new depths of compassion, love, and truth through knowing you, fighting with you, loving you. Just as iron sharpens iron (as said in proverbs), you, my friend, have truly sharpened me.
So thank you for being you. And thank you Lord for...well for everything. You are simply amazing. I love you.
Geez. Time really flies.
As millions of others out there probably proclaimed as their new years resolution, I think I too may start blogging again this year...even if it's for me to look at years from now...
Went to listen to Tim Keller today at Redeemer and he spoke about marriage. I have SO many thoughts and reflections but since I have way too much to do tonight (working on my portfolio), I will briefly share my afterthoughts and how it affects me at the moment...I will sum up his sermon another day.
Today's thought: God is love.
He consistently shows me He loves me and not just me but those I love and every single human being on this earth. Everything I have gone through is more than worth it because I know that I have grown from it and I am that much closer to being the person He so longed and continues to long for me to be.
Lord, my prayer is this. May I be able to see you more, know you more, love you much more and truly make you my first love. May you seamlessly heal me and may I fall in love with you all over again, but this time, in a truer and sacrificially whole-hearted way.
And to a special person who was the biggest part of my life for 5 years, who butted heads with me in numerous ways, who broke my heart to pieces at countless times, who consumes my mind more often than any other person ever has, it is because of this relationship God had planned between you and I, that I am who I am today...
You have hurt me more than I could ever imagine, yes, but you have sharpened me immensely. And you have helped me to build character. I have learned new depths of compassion, love, and truth through knowing you, fighting with you, loving you. Just as iron sharpens iron (as said in proverbs), you, my friend, have truly sharpened me.
So thank you for being you. And thank you Lord for...well for everything. You are simply amazing. I love you.
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