Finding my destiny IN HIM...

Oh how easy and natural it is to drift away from our God...

Last night at small group made me realize how far I've been drifting away from God, causing me to lose hope and faith within only a couple of days!!! How incredibly dangerous it is as humans, to always be borderline close to a cliff where you can fall off and keep sliding in a downward spiral because it only feels natural, familiar...

As Christians, we need to constantly be praying and reading His word, or we go right back to being so far from Him, alone and desolate. And even though we are dying inside--whether we know it or not--sadly, we get use to it. We get so use to it, so numb that we don't even remember how great it was when we had an intimate relationship with Him. We forget the essence of who He really is. How faithful He was. His power and goodness.

The first week I was out of a job was surprisingly amazing: Consistent quiet time with the Lord, intense prayer sessions, productive job hunting/interviewing, faith that calmed my fears, worries and anxiousness both in the morning and evening. It was time for me and God. God and me <3.

I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, but what became apparent these last few days was that I was still not letting go of certain desires and was secretly wanting and hoping that His plans would align with mine, not the other way around. AND THAT was something He wouldn't allow, hence doors not being open. He was trying to show me how little faith I had in His plans--which for now I guess is building depth in my character before anything else. So that I can sow my seeds on good soil, deep soil that will bear much fruit. To speak in parables, I was sowing my seeds on rocky ground, where there was not much soil, not enough depth that they immediately sprang up. No wonder I couldn't endure for long before my true colors were being shown and I fell away. My true colors being that the root of my heart was still filled with selfish desires that exceeded my faith in His divine plan for me. Through all this, the Lord my God was trying to reveal something to me.

One of our sg member's mom (who is such an amazing woman of God) shared yesterday about four steps in our walks as daughters/sons of Christ:
1. Salvation (It doesn't stop here)
2. Discipleship (Building up to be disciples of Him)
3. Warfare (Being equipped and ready for all the battles that will come our way to break and destroy and rob us of our joy)
4. Convergence (To ultimately find our destiny IN HIM)

In context to this, I was trying to skip steps 2 and 3 to get into step 4 to find my destiny and God was telling me to hold back saying, "Julia, I need to build you up more in character, in strength, in knowledge, in faith, so that you can be ready to stand firm against anything before we find what it is you can do for me, for my kingdom." And of course, me being impatient couldn't really hear that, probably because I didn't really want to.

The funny thing is, I always thought, "I may not be the most obedient or disciplined child, but I sure have faith." If I had nothing, at least I had faith. But He is showing me contrary to my contrived belief, how little faith I in fact have. And how much faith I put in my own understanding, my own reasoning, my own desires, and my own plans.
And above all, He is showing me how much faith is in fact NEEDED to be His disciples.

I further examined my heart when I was so discouraged about not getting a certain job or when I saw the most PERFECT job for me but felt so distant from obtaining it. Why did it mean so much to me? Why was I so discouraged by not getting what I wanted? What were these plans of mine that I was trying to make happen, with or without God?

The answer was quite simple. I wanted to live like the rest of the world! To live a relatively comfortable life. Living out my passion, my dream in book publishing. Hopefully find a husband who has his own dream and passion both for his worldly career and for God of course.
Have some children. Teach them the same things. And somehow fit God into that wonderful equation I had made because it didn't seem like a bad idea. God was in it wasn't he? Nonetheless, it was MY idea.

I didn't believe nor give Him enough credit that His plans were FAR greater than this. Maybe I was scared? Or maybe I just simply didn't believe that He made me for a greater purpose. That He had something much more fruitful in mind. Perhaps I reasoned in my head, "Why would I live a life any different from my coworkers? friends? or even family?" I dismissed His plans, His authority and His promises that He would finish what He had started in me.

That I'm not merely some graphic designer living in this world, living pay check to pay check, going to church on Sundays, small group on Fridays and hanging out with friends and consuming the things of this world whenever she finds the time. But that I am a daughter of Christ who is so loved and sought after. Who from even before she was conceived had a divine purpose coming into this world. A daughter who is part of a grand story that started more than 2000 years ago and who now has the authority and power in her that is as great as Jesus Christ himself, to live an abundant life worthy of His calling. A beloved daughter who is constantly being molded to be like her father in heaven, who will fix her eyes on Him and follow Him wherever He goes and wherever He wants her to go.

2010 here we come :)

Goodbye 2009. Hello 2010.
I know this post may seem a little lagged, (it being the middle of January already) but what can I say? I'm a slow learner and I still had things to learn and process...

When asked if I was happy that 2009 was finally over, my answer was yes and no. "Yes," because it was a difficult year--in so many ways. Sigh. Looking back, I faced quite a few big trials emotionally, financially, spiritually. But at the same time, "No" because if it weren't for those trials, would I have learned so much? About myself and about His heart?

In just one year, I learned about humility, letting go, limitations, loving enemies, forgiving self and others and praying for those you don't personally know or frankly care much about. I learned how to really cling on to His faithfulness, even though the present circumstance didn't look too promising. I learned how much faith I in fact did not have and how badly He wanted me to believe. I learned and am still learning that my God is ALWAYS on time and is serious about finishing what He has started--the molding of our character, of course.

And to add to all these invaluable lessons of 2009, I also learned that I've been way too busy doing my own thing and stressing over such minuscule issues, when so many times, all He wanted was for me to just take a step back, be still and actually see His beauty, His love and devotion for me. All thanks to my wonderful redeemer who always makes beauty out of ashes.

Through it all, I met and/or grew closer to dear people. My amazing small groups: 180 and JACKPOT and my friends both here in New York and in Vancouver who are like family to me. Thank you God for, well everything <3

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”
-Romans 8:22-25

Being careful not to let the groaning drown the hoping in 2010,
Julia