Teaching me to love like jesus <3

I guess it's a worthy occasion to write on your blog when you believe you are going through a milestone in your life. Allow me to elaborate :) Let me start off with a little background on my relationship with my heavenly father.

As a Christian who was born into a church-going "Christian" family, God has been walking with me through 26 years of my life and I think He's always been trying to talk to me and guide me, but I've managed to ignore Him most of my life.

SO inevitably, He's watched me make mistakes, sometimes the same mistakes over and over again (even after repenting). Through all this disobedience and selfishness, He simply stood there beside me, comforting me even though I didn't deserve it at all. He was faithful.

I think I've definitely been spoiled in our relationship. Or in any relationship for that matter. I've always gotten what I wanted. And if I didn't want to do something, I didn't, without hesitation.

God is a patient God. At age 26, He is teaching me how to put Him first before me. His desires before mine. His will and plans before mine. He's teaching me to let go of the steering wheel and to trust that He knows what He's doing. That He knows what I NEED, not what I may necessarily want.

He's teaching me to love the unlovable. To love my enemies. Those who mistreat, curse, take advantage of and hate me. He's teaching me how to love the sinful world and its people the way He did and still does today.

After a few months of an emotional battle, being in darkness, filled with hatred, bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness, God gives me an answer. And so the conversation goes:

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Me: But WHY God? Why in the world would I love someone who doesn't deserve to be loved? Someone who curses me, intentionally tries to hurt me? Why should I love such a selfish, despicable human being?

God: Because I did. Because I loved such sinful people who cursed me, betrayed me, hated me, yourself included. Loved you so much I sent my only son to cover your sins. All of it. Is it because you deserved it? Because you were less of a despicable human being?

Me: ...
..........Well, less than him I'm sure!

God: Wrong. You are all the same in my eyes. All who need to be saved. There is no good in you without my saving grace and love. No good whatsoever.

Me: ...So you want me to stay? I don't want to God. I can't. You always give people as much as they can handle and I've reached it. Trust me.

God: Why don't you trust me? Through staying, I will teach you how to love those who don't deserve it, and through this, I will show you more of what Jesus experienced. SO you can get a better understanding of your Lord and the depth and breadth of the cross.

Me: ...Is this really what you want God? Doing something that seems impossible for me at this moment, risking my happiness and well-being? I'm too weak and weary.

God: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore, boast all the more gladly of your weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon you. For the sake of Christ, then, be content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when you are weak, then you are strong.
Julia, I am walking with you, holding your hand. I know you can't do it alone and that it seems impossible. That's why I'm going with you.

Me: I really hope so. Because all this will be pointless if you're not there and if I'm trying to do it alone. It'll just be pure torture because I know without a doubt I will fail. So then God, what if I'm just over-prophesying? When we both know I have little faith as of now.

God: I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me. I think I've given you enough for you to discern, to follow me and obey me.

Me: ...God I don't want to, I'll be honest. Nothing in my flesh wants to do something so selfless. I really want to ignore all this and do what I feel most comfortable with, but I know, because you've told us, that living a life as your servant is not going to be comfortable to say the least. I'm going to back out when I find the slightest opportunity, so please help me to remain faithful. Keep me grounded in you Lord. You win. I'll obey. For the first time.

This is to sum up our conversations in the span of several days when I asked God to clearly give me an answer as to whether to quit my job or not. Because for various reasons, I hated my boss. And he hated me.

Through these conversations with God, I cried, I prayed, I threw hissy fits like a complete child. Through all this, he answered my prayers. Even though I didn't have complete faith that he would.

But it's ok. I've learned you don't need to have complete faith for God to work in your life. Because He is completely faithful. He is the everlasting God who does not faint and never grows weary. He listens to His childrens' cries and His love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. His love never fails.

Thank you Lord.