What's the temperature of your heart?

Inspired by Julia Lee's email to the sisters, I decided to pose this question to us all, myself included. Let's examine our love life with the Lord and take our temperatures. Are we hot--passionately pressing on, pursuing, growing or are we warm--still going, doing the bare minimum to get by? or are we cold--not together, not pretending, distant?)

This next part is taken directly from what Julia sent out, written by a woman named Melody Green (whose husband died in a plane crash when they were in their late 20s. He was a huge worship minister in the US at the time).

We already know our temperature matters to Jesus. He was clear about it. He wants us to be passionate, fiery hot for Him. To genuinely love Him back. The polar opposites are the cold...those who blatantly reject God's ways, and therefore His love. And the lukewarm? Well, they make Him utterly sick enough to puke. Jesus knows exactly what to do with the hot and the cold. However the lukewarm, well, they turn His stomach and I imagine cause Him pain everyday. Think about being married to someone and just pouring out your life for them, but they take you for granted, stop trying to know your heart, and could care less about how they make you feel. Painful.

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (Rev. 3:15-16 NIV) I think this was an incredibly painful statement for God to make to those He loves. But on the day each of us stand before Him. our temperature will be apparent. However, we never need to fall into the lukewarm category. We don't have to hurt God by being so near, yet so far away.

As I wrote back to the sisters, I completely get this. Imagine being in a relationship and that guy or girl always goes back and forth, saying they love you one day and then taking it back the next day or not calling you for weeks. Or going back and forth between you and another girl/guy? How painful would that be, especially if you LOVE that person. You would rather them leave you altogether and not put you through this. Ideally, you'd want them to single-heartedly be devoted to you.

Being lukewarm is very unattractive and useless if you think about it. One foot in the world, one in His kingdom. I get it, you know? I even hate drinking tepid water. And just in general, I'm usually a very hot or cold, all or nothing type of person. So I get it. And I do love Him and desire more than anything for our relationship to grow. BUT THEN, why in the world is it SO hard to actually be HOT for the Lord?

I've been struggling a lot these days, living a life that's certainly not worthy of His calling, not communicating with Him, not listening to Him, just living my life, working hard at work, going out on the weekends doing mindless things...I haven't given Him the time of day, really.

Maybe it's because I've fallen and I feel like what's the point, I'm already down. You know that feeling? Or the discouragement of what's the point when you're going to fail again as quickly as the next day?

In any case, I know one thing is for sure. I desperately want to go back to Him and seek Him and love Him and be loved by Him. I need to stop living this back and forth, lukewarm life and start living a passionate life for Him.

I don't know about you guys, but my heart is really breaking. I've hurt Him for way too long. And I know through all of it, He still graciously loves me, but really, am I going to keep hurting Him like this? I really don't want to...

Our Lord is constantly on the go, working, moving, changing, building, and I want to be a part of it. Stop focusing on my menial life--my daily worries and stress and pain-- and be a part of a bigger picture. Please pray for me.

V Day <3

Valentine's Day. A day designated to celebrate LOVE. Especially love in the terms of romance, or as C.S. Lewis explains in The Four Loves, Eros. For those who are unfamiliar with this concept, C.S. Lewis basically divides love into four categories, based in part on the four Greek words for love: storge (affection), philia (friendship), eros (erotic love), and charity (God's love).

I saw so many roses and chocolates this weekend. I felt a couple things that may or may not contradict each other. One, I was happy that people had someone to give these gifts to. I think it's always heartwarming to see people having someone to go to, give gifts to, to turn to, to love and appreciate. We are all creatures who crave to love and be loved. So it is in a sense a very natural thing and I think that's why I like seeing its presence.

Two, I was wondering how much money the flower and chocolate and greeting card industry must be making off of this one day. I have 3 roommates currently and all of them are in serious relationships. Our living room currently looks like Saint Valentine just threw up in it. Seriously. Why don't they keep the roses and chocolates in their rooms? There's a pink balloon too, but that's not from a boyfriend. In any case, it's hilarious.

I'm not bitter or anything (I think haha), but I just find it sort of funny when everyone's doing the same thing. What happened to originality? Or maybe it's the fact that most people are missing the real point of the day--practicing love and courtship and writing personal handwritten love notes for one another in a more private, sacred manner, and not about buying chocolates and flowers and showing it off to the world and then calling it a day. Ok, so maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart despite all the stuff I went through. But it just doesn't seem real, in a way.

I asked couple of my friends today if they know what love is--in the terms of eros that is. And I think it's interesting to hear people's answers. What about you? Could you say you experienced love? If so, how did it change you?

I think I can say that I have. How did it change me? I learned a lot about myself, my weaknesses and strengths. I also learned for the first time what sacrifice even meant. I also learned what to do and more importantly, what not to do in my next relationship. And last but definitely not least, I learned how to appreciate people. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I can now say I agree. Not simply because I have irreplaceable memories I can hold onto, but because I gained so much insight through it. Without losing someone, you just simply don't know how to appreciate someone when they do come along. You always take them for granted when they're there and you also dangerously assume that they will always be there.

I think I will always have hope. Because to be honest, a world without love, all four kinds, is depriving and simply meaningless. And I'm the type of person that needs meaning in life. Otherwise, what's the point?

I am ENFP--The Inspirers

SO, I finally took this Myers-Briggs test and here are my results.

You are:

• very expressed extravert
  
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
  
• distinctively expressed feeling personality
  
• slightly expressed perceiving personality

Idealist Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.

Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions

FURTHER DESCRIPTION:

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

FURTHER DESCRIPTION in regards to ROMANCE:

Idealist women tend to be very romantic. They love to give and receive tokens of affection, such as an original poem, a hand carved box, or an item which reminds them of some shared experience. Men often appreciate their compassion and empathy along with their belief in others. When dating, they hope they'll get to know each other through deep conversation.

The Clock is Ticking...

Ah~! There's nothing better than waking up to a phone call, asking you for an interview. haha j/k (I actually really enjoy waking up to music. I think it's the best feeling in the world. Like a song from the radio that you love, or a song you've never heard but hear for the first time as you wake up. Honestly amazing! What about you? What makes you feel like you're floating on clouds in the morning?)

I am quite happy that I got a call this morning from this particular company b/c I can see myself growing in it, so it is exciting, to say the least. I really hope I do get it, but who knows with all the competition. Bleh. The interview is on Thursday. Prayers please :) Let's hope they don't get turned off by my citizenship (fingers crossed).

Anyway, today I am trekking out to Brooklyn to go see if I can freelance for this medical supply company. Let's hope I don't get lost. Although it does sound promising...

As of yesterday, my OPT has officially started. OPT stands for Optional Practical Training. I said "Optical" yesterday haha sorry, my bad. It gives international students a year worth of work authorization in the United States. But they need you to find a job within 90 days of its activation date to not violate the status, which was Feb. 2nd for me. So the countdown begins. Sigh.

I hate this being on the clock deal. It's so stressful you know? I feel like I can't relax or even enjoy myself. And recently, maybe a few months ago, I started feeling the pressure of being a girl as well. I always thought I could just focus on my career and not worry about marriage until I'm 30. Honestly, but people around me are asking if I want children and I say OF COURSE I do, so then they say, well, you should at least have a baby by then, which doesn't give me much time does it now???? *phew*

It's unfair. I hate feeling pressured. Why can't I just take my time...? Sigh. I'm sighing a lot in this post huh? I'm telling you I wish I could just break all the clocks in this world. hehe I'm kidding. Kinda.

I'm sorry this post was filled with angst and complaints. But there was a little bit of excitement, and that was what I was REALLY trying to share ;)

Bye for now...